Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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