So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
