Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
