You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
