Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
