census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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