I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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