I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
