Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
The ass gains better be worth it
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