Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
