Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
