I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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