Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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