I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
