i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
