I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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