but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
