You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
