I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
