I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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