The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
