The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
