I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
