Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
