Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
