i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
