so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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