Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I love you. Go after that dick
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
