You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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