Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
