U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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