Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
