He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
