Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
