we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
