I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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