I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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