someone threw a dead crab at me
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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