I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
