we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
