Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
