Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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