I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You are the jesus of drinking
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
