the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
