tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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