I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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