The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
