I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
