I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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