I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
