It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
