The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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