Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
