His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
