so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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