I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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