so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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